Flu shot

Lena, the church organist at Coon Ridge Lutheran Church, was in her 80's and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. The Pastor came to call on Lena, one afternoon early in the spring, & she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a "condom."

Imagine his shock & surprise. Imagine his curiosity!! Surely Miss Lena had flipped or something...!! When she returned with tea & cookies, they began to chat. The Pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water & its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, & he could resist no longer. "Miss Lena, he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this? (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," Lena replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know.. I haven't had a cold or flu all winter."

For those of you who couldn't get a flu shot this year, you might want to give this a try!!

Answering Machine Answers

These are [said to be] actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers!

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here, so leave a message.

3. Speak.

4. Hi, Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

7. (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy message," I call you sooner!

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it is safe to leave us a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Yodeling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night! The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out..... Are you ready for this? Are you sure? Here goes, "LaidTheOLadeeToo"

New Computer viruses

• The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
• The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
• The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent hard drive with NO memory.
• The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting.
• The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
• The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
• The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
• The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
• The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.
• The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
• The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
• The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.
• The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

Cowboy @ Gay Bar

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One" Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!

Call Off

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that She is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Official Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

0 to 200 in 2 Seconds Flat!

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

Smart Dog

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Blonde Parking During the Winter

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and "rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there
are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,

The Dog

Men Vs. Women

When a man goes to his closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," what he really means is "I don't have anything clean to wear."

When a woman goes to her closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," she really means, "I don't have anything new to wear."

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Charged for...it

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing......
I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Command Performance

A man and his son were shovelling the driveway after a heavy snowfall when their dog, Lady, wandered away from them. Man, fearing the dog might be hit by car, shouted angrily: "Lady! Lady! Get over here right now!" The dog charged happily back over to them, accompanied by a commuter who had been standing at the bus stop.

"Yes, sir, what can I do for you?" she asked

Heavenly Chocolate chip cookies!

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

You know you are living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television ha! s a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to send this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, copy and send this to your friends ...you know you want to!

How about achieving 103%?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% ! in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Dead Rabbit

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?".

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?".

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

Interesting Facts...Maybe

Assume no one can/will keep a secret.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Write ideas down; they get lost like good pens.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

A parking meter is the only place where you literally can buy time.

The size of your office is not as important as the size of your paycheque!

When someone ask if you have a minute, he or she is really asking for 20.

No matter how many TV channels you switch to, you always get a commercial.

The real head of a household is the one who has custody of the remote control.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die; they need gravity to swallow.

The way some houses are built, the only thing that'll last 30 years is the mortgage.

The length of a minute depends on which side of a bathroom door you're standing on.

Career planning is an oxymoron. The most exciting opportunities tend to be unplanned.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.

Some people are so determined to find blissful happiness that they overlook a lifetime of contentment.

You spend 18 months trying to get your children to stand up and talk, and the next 18 years to get them to sit down and listen!

Nothing makes you feel older than the discovery that your children are studying in history class what you studied in current events.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

It's an age of paradox when we have mobile homes that don't move, sports clothes for work, junk food that cost more than the real food, and sweatshirts to loaf in.

Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth. But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies.

NEWLY WEDS.... a sweet story

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife! interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

But my sweet honey... at the b ar.... you know..there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?... "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F**K UP, DRINK YOUR GODDAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR F**KING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A$$ ISN'T GOING TO NO F**KING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, A$$HOLE?"

....and, they lived ! happily ever after.
Isn't that a sweet story?

First day of school

It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class; as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the chalkboard: 'T T T 1 A'. She looked at the children and
said, "Who wrote this?"

Little Keith raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."

"Well, what does that mean, Keith?" asked the teacher.

Keith answers, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Apple'," and with that, he gave the teacher an apple.

"Very good," says the teacher, "Thank You"

"The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices, once again, something written on the board. This time, the chalkboard reads: 'T T T 1 O' She asked the children, "Who wrote
this?"

Then little Bobby answers, "I did, teacher."

The teacher says, "Well, Bobby, what does that mean?"

Bobby says, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange," and he gives the teacher an orange.

"Very nice, Bobby, thank you", said the teacher.

The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed on the board: 'F U C K 1 T'. Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, "WHO WROTE THIS!!"

Then little Juanito raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."

Angrily, the teacher asks, "Well, what does this mean, juanito?"

"It means, 'From Us Chicano Kids, 1 Tamale.'"

When I Was Your Age...

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.""Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said

"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are!

Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,

I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!

Spelling to get into Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

“Rub-A-dub-dub, Thanks for the grub…”

A new minister at his first service was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the service, he asked the senior pastor how he had done. The elder minister replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the minister’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to
as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A Halloween Story

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life!"

Bumper stickers - part 9

Hell's too hot; heaven's full of religious people. That's supposed to be a choice?

Hang up and drive!!

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

My other car is a broomstick.

If you were made in God's image, how did you get to be so ugly?

Jesus saves; Buddha recycles.

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. —God

Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Witches' parking only. All others will be toad.

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Jesse White

Jesse Jackson was spotted in Sears in Chicago this week.

He was there to protest the fact that all the washing machines were white.

So the cherk called the store manager, who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?" Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that all of them were white.

The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that all the washers are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."

Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

Bumper stickers - part 8

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called ... they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath..You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

How are you feeling?

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded myfavorite mule, Bessie, into da ...."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivn' down da road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the questions."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule"

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole
Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her grones. Shortly after da accident a Highway Patrolman came on da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Then da Patrolman come runnin' 'cross da road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?""

Now, what da hell would you say?"

Odd Blond Joke

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Kentucky arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral
Not all Kentuckians are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Mexican Colored?

A Mexican man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only Mexican man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."

The Mexican man turned around and stood up. He then said:

"listen Pendejo....when I was born, I was BROWN,"
"When I grew up, I was BROWN,"
"When I'm sick, I'm BROWN,"
"When I go in the sun, I'm BROWN,"
"When I'm cold, I'm BROWN,"
"When I die, I'll be BROWN."

"But you pendejo...."

"When you're born, you're pink,"
"When you grow up, you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun, you turn red,"
"When you're cold, you turn blue,"
"And when you die, you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me colored?"

If you're a true Mexican re-post this

Indian walks into a cafe...

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

(hang on, this is really good......)


The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position in United States Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Bumper stickers - part 7

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph!

Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Ax Me About Ebonics.

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends

All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

The Lawyer and The Sheriff

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...........

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says:

"DO YOU WANT ME TO 'STOP' OR JUST 'SLOW DOWN'?"

25 Signs You have grown up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

Letter from school

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on.



Reply from dad...



Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

Catholic School Girl

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic school. Usually, she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret,"Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret.

Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Nun fainted.

Bad Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Who is God?

Be careful how you explain "who God is" to your children...


(A little boy walks up to his father and asks him a question.)

Boy: Dad, is God a man or a woman?

Father: Both, son, both.


(After a short while the boy comes back.)

Boy: Dad, is God black or white?

Father: (After thinking for a short while) Both, son, both.


(After another wait, the boy comes back again)

Boy: Dad, is Michael Jackson God?

Bumper stickers - part 6

"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED,
AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and would probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember."

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday." So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.

All were singing "Happy Birthday" and there on the couch I sat... naked.

And that is why I fired my secretary!

Why buy...?

For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"


Here's an update for you ...
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Bumper stickers - part 5

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

I Have The Body Of A God - ! Buddha.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Leprechaun

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a wee Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer poured a bit of Irish whiskey over the little guy to revive him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.

"But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want - a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year went by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer was back on the same hole. He again hit a bad drive into woods and the Leprechaun was there waiting for him.

"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now."

He! adds, " By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf." If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away embarrassed, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did good job. How many times a day? "

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock.

"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish"

3 Shorts

Q. How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
A. It ain't hard...

Q. Why did the gay criminal keep going to prison?
A. He loved it in the can.

Q. How do you make a Canadian?
A. Hit an Englishman in the head with a brick.

Why not?

Hank and Bill are sitting on the porch, watching a dog lick his balls. "Boy, I wish I could do that," Hank Says

Bill thinks for a minute and replies, "Well. go ahead. It's your dog."

Story - Romance gets washed away.

Having totally forgotten our one-year anniversary, I wanted to make it up to my for our second. I suggested we drive to the coast and relax on the beach under the moonlight. I even brought some decent wine to boost the romantic mood. We parked on the sand, and she was mesmerized by the lapping waves and glowing moon. My efforts were paying off, and after my girlfriend showed her appreciation, we passed out in the back seat. We awoke the next morning to shouting, so I opened the door and stepped out to see what was going on. Water immediately poured inside soaking the floor. The tide was in, the starter had short-circuited, and had drawn a raucous of laughing voyeurs.

JK, Orlando, FL

Don't eat that...

While driving home, a millionaire sees a homeless man eating grass along a dirty stretch of highway. He pulls over and goes up to the man. "Don't eat that," he says to the vagrant. It's full of road dirt. If you're hungry, come home with me."

Full of fratitude, the homeless man says, "Thanks, but I have a wife too."

"No problem,"the millionaire says, "bring her along."

"I also have five children, a grandchild and many cousins," the homeless man continues.

"Now Wait a damn minute," the millionaire says. "Just how big do you think my lawn is?"

Atheist

A young lady comes home from a date rather sad. She tells her mother, "He proposed to me an hour ago."

"So why are you upset?" Her mother asks.

"Because he also told me he's an atheist. He doesn't even believe there's a hell!"

Her mother replies, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Great Hair!

A man walks up to a woman in his office and says her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes to her supervisor and tells him she wants to file a sexual-harassment suit.

Puzzled, the supervisor asks, "What's wrong with your co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

Barbecue!

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

Annoying

• Cellophane on new CD boxes that is impossible to open unless you have scalpels for fingers.
• Waiting to exit an airplane.
• People who hold the door for you when you are too far away from them, making you move faster than normal in order to reach it - and you still have to force out a smile and say, "Thanks."
• Subscription cards and all the other crap that falls out of magazines.
• People who take the elevator to the second floor.
• Screwups in drive-though orders.
• People who don't say, "thanks" when you hold the door for them.
• Euphemisms for curse words (such as, "You a-hole" and "Fudge!")
• People who go back to complain about screwups in drive-through orders.
• The phrase "Don't go there."
• Painting over the "To" and the "ta" on your Toyota pickup truck.
• The Penny

What'd you get?

It's the day after christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they got. The first kid says, "What'd you get?"

The second kid replies, "Man, I made out! I got Pokemon stuff, Nintendo, a Stereo, a bike and whole lot more! What'd you get?"

"Oh, I just got a baseball glove and a bat," Says the first kid.

"Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid.

"Yeah, well, I'm not dying of Cancer."

Shit, I missed

A Catholic priest and a nun were
taking a rare afternoon off and
enjoying a round of golf. The priest
stepped up to the first tee and took a
mighty swing. He missed the ball
entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch
his language.

On his next swing, he missed again.
"Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with
you if you keep swearing," the
nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better
and the round continued. On the
4th tee, he misses again. The usual
comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says,
"Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing
like that."

On the next tee, Father John
swings and misses again. "Shit, I
missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a
gigantic bolt of lightning comes out
of the sky and strikes Sister Marie
dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"Shit, I missed."

Guys' Rules for Girls

Please note...
these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know
men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

Don't want to work...Call off

12 Valid reasons not to come in to work

1. I can'd come in to work today, because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up to work.
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin ro drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that daedline to meet....
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.
8. Yes , I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may contain flase information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

Gas Prices

I saw this posted on some site months ago, when gas prices first started to go up. I can't remeber in what site I found this, so I can't credit it.

Back when I first saw this, gas prices weren't this high. So much for that!!!

Used Bird

A woman Goes to her local pet shop in search of a pet. There she finds a brightly plumed parrot. "How much for the bird?" She asks.
"Oh, you don't want that bird," replies the storekeeper. "he used to live in a whorehouse, so he's got a dirty mouth."
"But he's so pretty," She gushes.
"I'll tell you what. Take it home, try him out. If it doesn't work, bring him back"
When it arrives at its new home, the bird look around and squawks, "New house, new madam." The woman is disturbed, but ignores it. Hours later, her daughters come home from school. Again the bird looks around and screeches, "New house, new madam, New hooker." The woman is bothered, but ignores it--after all, the bird hasn't actually cursed. A few hours later, her husband comes home from work. Again, after looking around, the bird squawks, "New house, new madam, new hookers. Hi George."

Texan in Irish pub

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and says, "I'll give $500 to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in a row." No one takes him up on his offer; one man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the guyswho'd left returns.
"Is your bet still good?" He asks. The Texan says yes, the bartender lines up 10 pints and the irishman drinks them all.
The Texan pays up and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh, i went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Borrowed from Maria Menounos

This joke was told my Maria Menounos for June's Esquire Magazine.
~~~~~

Joe and his buddy Frank visit a brothel. Joe goes into the room with the prostitute first while Frank waits outside. When he's done, Joe closes the door behind him and says. "Don't waste your time man. My wife's better."

But Frank goes in anyway. When he emerges 15 minuter later, He shakes his head in disappointment and says, "Damn, Joe, you were right. Your wife is better."

~~~~~
Great Girl! Joke?

Chance goes out in flames

A girl I had asked out suggested that I accompany her to her family picnic. I agreed to go, picked her up that Saturday and took her to the park where the festivities were set to take place. All was going well when her six-year-old niece started yelling that something was wrong with the dog. We inspested the dog and found that a tick had burrowed into its fur. I went ot my car to get some rubbing alcohol to rub on the tick. I'd heard this would make the booldsucker come out on its own, and if it worked, I'd wind up looking like a hero. When I applied the alcohol, however, the tick stayed put. Someone then suggested I light a match, blow it out and press it on the tick to force it to come out. I did as I was instructed, but apparently the alcohol hadn't thoroughly dried. The second I touched the hot match to the dog, the little mutt burst into a fireball. The flaming critter took off, barking wildly and running aroung the park, while 30 screaming people chased after it. Not surprisingly, my hopes of getting a second date were completely dashed.

What's your secret? What?

It's a cold winter day, and an old man walks out onto the frozen lake,cuts a hole in the ice, drop in his fishing line and waits patientlyfor a bite. He's there for almost an hour, without even a nibble,when a young boy walks out onto the ice and cuts a hole next to him.The boy drops in his line and minutes later hooks a largepickerel. Very quickly, he pulls in another large catch. Afterwatching the process repeat itself a few more times, the old man can'ttake it any longer.
"Son, you've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half-dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responds , "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asks.

"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm," says the boy.

"Look," says the old man, I can't understand a word you're saying."

Annoyed, the boy spits a pile of squirming worms into his hand and says, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Story - Change goes out in flames

A girl I had asked out suggested that I accompany her to her family picnic. I agreed togo, pickerd her up that Saturday and took her to the park where thefestivities were set to take place. All was going well when hersix-year-old niece started yelling that something was wrong with thedog. We inspested the dog and found that a tick had burrowed intoits fur. I went ot my car to get some rubbing alcohol to rub onthe tick. I'd heard this would make the booldsucker come out onits own, and if it worked , I'd wind up looking like a hero. WhenI applied the alcohol, however, the tick stayed put. Someone thensuggested I light a match, blow it out and press it on the tick toforce it to come out. I did as I was instructed, but apparentlythe alcohol hadn't thoroughly dried. The second I touched the hot matchto the dog, the little mutt burst into a fireball. The flamingcritter took off, berking wildly and running aroung the park, while 30 screaming people chased after it. Not surprisingly, my hopes ofgetting a second date were completely dashed.

Would you?

A woman is watching the news. During a commercial she turns to her husband, who is busy with a crossword puzzle.

"Did you hear that?" she asks.

"A man in Los Angeles swapped his wife for Lakers' season tickets. Would you do a thing like that?"

"Hello no," her husband replies. "The season's half over."

How much?

After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Poe calls abrief recess and retires to his chambers. En route, he bumps intoJudge Graham.

"Say," Poe asks, "what would you give a 63-year-old hooker?"

"Christ," Graham replies. "Five or six bucks, tops."

Story - Dumped body haunts cop

I was working as a deputy sheriff when a guy called to report a deadbody in a dumpster at his storage facility. I reced to the sceneand saw a pair of fishnet-dressed legs and knee-high boots sticking outof a rolled-up blanket. I reached out and touched a leg. Itwascold, and I freaked out. I called the sergeant and sent for anambulace. The paramedic arrived and felt for a pulse. None. We pulled away the blanket to find the head -- and realized we werestaring at a rubber ass. This was no murder victim, but rather ananatomically correct, dressed-to-kill rubber sex puppet. I thought Ihad what we call a Code Frank, but all I had, as my colleagues oftenremind me, was a Dumpster Skank.Tim F, CO.

I'll be back!

THIS IS NO JOKE

I have to put a pause to my posting activity. I'm moving and my DSL service will be interrupted. I'll be back as soon as possible!

Till then...Have fun!

An Affair

"All of the thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill tells his friend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggests.

"But what if my wife finds out?" Bill asks.

"Heck, this is a new age we live in," Doug says. "Go ahead and just tell her about it."

Bill goes home to his wife and says, "Dear, I think an affair will help bring us closer together."

"Forget it," his wife says. "I've already tried that. It didn't work."

Would You?

A woman is watching the news. During a commercial she turns to her husband, who is busy with a crossword puzzle.

"Dis you hear that?" she asks.

"A man in Los Angeles swapped his wife for Lakers' season tickets. Would you do a thing like that?"

"Hello no," her husband replies. "The season's half over."

Story - Cyber Casanova Exposed by Pals

A few month ago, two buddies and I logged on to an Internet chatroomknowing that our pal Todd would be online too. As "saucysuzy19,"we began talking dirty to him and ended up getting his e-mailaddress. We must have made quite an impression, because Toddcould not stop talking about "the hot blond co-ed" he was chatting withthe other night. Over the next few weeks, saucysuzy19 and Toddcontinued their sordid affair, culminating in us e-mailing Todd a bunchof porn pics. Naturally, Saucysuzy19 asked for something inreturn. Two days later, nude pics of Todd landed in ourinbox. Surprisingly, Todd's girlfriend didn't apperciate theirappearance in her inbox. Neither did 50 or so mutual Friends--or Todd.

Good News & Bad News

The president is awakened during the night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. Presindent," The general says, "there's good news and there's bad news."

"Oh no," the presindent sighs. "Well, go ahead, give me the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatues from another planet."

"Dear God!" the persident exclaims. "And the good news?"

"The good news," The general says, "Is that they eat reporters and piss oil."

Story - Gringo offends granny

To win over the parents of my mexican girlfriend, I decided to learnSpanish. They loved it--this gringo was all right. Six months later, Icould hold a simple conversation, but my confidence was growingdangerously faster than my skill. Last year, my girlfriend'sgranny visited from Pueblo. Despite my bad Spanish and the factthat she had a vicious stomach virus during her stay, we hit itoff. As she was leaving, she told the family that she approved ofme. Eager to reinforce her feelings, I sent her a Christmas cardin Spanish. Only while wishing her a feliz año nuevo--HappyNew Year--I left the squiggle off the "n" by mistake. Unbeknownstto me, but clear to anyone who is fluent in Spanish, I had wished thisold lady a "happy new anus" instead. I was banned rapidamente.

Ben T, CA

First -anatomy- Lesson

A group of first-year medical students is gathered aroung an operating table for thier first anatomy lesson with a dead body.

"As a doctor, you'll need to develop two key skills," the professor begins. "The first is stoicism. You can't be disgusted by anything involving the human body." The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse's butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth. "Now do the same," he instructs.

The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadver's anus and then sucking on it.

When everyone has finished, the professor continues, "The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then sucked on my index finger. Pay attention."

Easy Pickings

One day, a farmer walks through his orchard to a nearby pond, carrying a bucket to bring back some fruit. Once he gets to the pond, he sees two hot girls skinny-dipping. They see him and quicklydrop their bodies below the water.

"We're not coming out until you leave!" shouts one of the girls.

"I didn't come to watch you ladies swim naked," says the farmer, holding up the bucket. He continues, "I'm just here to feed the gators."

Blonds define Easter

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. Hetold them before they could enter Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."

Shesaid, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewishfestival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with Hisdisciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him.The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then theyburied Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder....

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

"Then,"the blonde continued, "now every year the Jews roll away the boulderand Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted...

Open and shut case

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your resume, I can see that you are more than qualified," says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you."

"But Wait," says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking."

"Then show me," replies the interviewer. So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately atops winking.

"It's great you stoped winking," says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country."

"What do you mean?" asks the man. "I'm happily married."

"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.

"Oh, that," sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Pit bull -vs- Chihuahua

A man walks into a bar and asks, "Whose pit bull is that out front?"

"It's mine," a guy grunts. "Waht's it to ya?"

"Well," the man answers, "it seems as if my dog just killed your dog."

"Hogwash!" the guy snaps. "What kind of dog do you have?"

"A Chihuahua," the man replies.

"Oh, yeah right," the guy says. "how exactly did my pit bull get killed by this Chihuahua of yours?"

"He Choked on him."

The assignment

A young female teacher is giving an assignment to her sixth-grade class. Because it is a lengthy assignment, she starts writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly, there is a giggle behing her. She quickly turns around and asks, "What's so funny, Patrick?"

"I just saw one of your garters," Patrick says,wide-eyed.

"Get out of my classroom!" she yells. "I don't want to see you for three days!"

Turning back to the chalkboard, she realizes she forgot to title the assignment and reaches to the very top of the board. Suddenly, there is an even luoder giggle. She spins around and asks, "What's so funy now, Billy?"

I just saw both of your garters," Billy says.

"Get out of my classroom," she yells again. "And I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and flustered, the teacher drops the eraser. When she bends over to pick it up, there is a burts of laughter. She quickly turns to see Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"Based on what I just saw," Johnny says, grinning from ear to ear, "my school days are over!"

He wear the pants, but...

Following a whirlwind romance and marriage, reality hits Lisa andFrank. Their sex life diminishes and they begin to get on each other'snerves.

After making love one night, Frank throws his pants at Lisa, "Here," he says, "try these on."

She does and, looking into the mirror, says, "They're much too big."

"That's right," Frank says. "Don't ever forget who wears the pants in this house!"

Scowling, Lisa reaches down and tosses her panties at Frank. "Try these on," She demands.

Studying the garmentm, Frank says, "Forget it! I'll never get into these!"

"Until your attitude changes," Lisa replies, "you're absolutely right."

Loose with girl

Young Timmy O'Shaghnessy goes in for confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

"And how migth de the girl you were with?" the priest sighs.

"I can't tell you," Timmy says. "It would ruin her reputation."

"Was it Brenda O'Malley?" the priest asks.

"No father."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"No father."

"lisa O'Shanter?"

"No father."

"Very well," the priest says. "Say five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Timmy goes back to his pew and hius friend asks, "What did you get?"

Timmy says, "Five Out Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

Explorer in trouble

An explorer in the depths of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a group of cannibals. Realizing the gravity of his situation, he mutters, "Oh, God, I'm screwed."

Suddenly, the sky darkens and a voice booms, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up the stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer grabs the stone and bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the limp body and panting with exhaustion, the man looks out defiantly at the troop of cannibals, who are now yabbering furiously among themselves and sharpening their spears menacingly. Then the voice from heaven booms again, "There...now you're screwed."

~~~~~
P.S.
I'm back, almost 10 days since my last post. Be Ready for more!

Missed Me?

Instead of coming home after work, a man stays out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blowing his paycheck. When he finally returns home Sunday night, he is confronted by his angry wife. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" she shouts.

"That would be fine with me." he replies. Come Monday, he doesn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday come and go with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling goes down just enough for him to see her out of the corner of his left eye.

Lamaze class

The instructor of a Lamaze class is teaching the young couples how to breathe properly during delivery. The teacher announces, "Ladies, excercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And gentlement, it wouldn't hurt you to take time to go walking with you partner." The room gets quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raises his hand.

"Yes?" the teacher asks.

The man asks, "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Just a Rumor

"Guess what I heard in the bar today?" a man asks his wife upon returning home. "They think the milk man has slept with every woman on our block except one."

His wife replies, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis in No. 23."

Not in contract

Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.

I told them my fee: $45.

Gynaecologist retires

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?"

The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

Prayer for answer

During a weekly church meeting, Ted was scheduled to read a list of people who had asked to be included in the congregation's prayers. Since another church member, Cindy, had mentioned that she and her husband were struggling with a big decision on whether they should become missionaries, Ted offered to include them on the prayer list.

So at the meeting, Ted announced to the whole congregation, "Let's all pray that Cindy and Bill can make a decision about the missionary position."

Florist mistake

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy." While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" asked the storekeeper.

"'Congratulations on your new location.'" was the reply.

Little Johnny and 'that' building

The teacher looks out the window and points to a bank, and asks the class what kind of building it is. Little Johnny, always first in, shoots his hand up and shouts, "It's a brothel."

"No", the teacher says, "it's a bank."

The next day the teacher looks out the window and points at a bridge, and asks the class what kind of structure it is.

Little Johnny again shouts out, "It's a brothel."

" No", says the teacher, "it's a bridge."

The next day the teacher rounds up the girls in the class and explains to them that she's sick of Little Johnny's rude comments and the next time he shouts out anything rude, they all must get up and walk out of the classroom.

The teacher looks out the window and points to a hospital and asks the class what kind of building it is.

Without any hesitation Little Johnny shouts, "It's a brothel."

With that, all the girls get up and proceed to walk out of the classroom.

Little Johnny screams, "WHERE THE F**K ARE YOU S***S GOING? IT'S NOT EVEN OPEN YET!"

Remember 20 years ago...

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

Going deaf

"I think my wife's going deaf," Joe told their doctor.

"Try to test her hearing at home and let me know how severe her problem is before you bring her in for treatment," the doctor said.

So that evening, when his wife was preparing dinner, Joe stood 15 feet behind her and said, "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moved to ten feet behind her and asked again. No response. Then he stood five feet in back of her and tried again but still got no answer.

Finally, he stood directly behind her and asked, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She turned around. "For the fourth time--I said chicken!"

Staggering drunk

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

Perfect Shot

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What the hell is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Honest drunk

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Fly on beer

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

Canary-colored paint

Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant.

"I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says.

"Sure," the clerk replies. "Mind if I ask what it's for?"

"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweet I know he's sure to win."

"Well, you can't do that, man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

"No they won't," Jim replies.

"Listen, buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."

"You're on," says Jim.

Two days later he comes back looking very sheepish and lays $10 on the counter.

"So the paint killed him?"

"Indirectly," says Jim. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."

Initiation fee

The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

Can't be denied

Sorry for the gap. I had an interesting weekend. Now to the bussiness at hand.

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"

Bumper stickers - part 4

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

"I is a college student."

"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

"I can only please one person a day, today isn't your day and tomorrow is not looking good."

"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film."

"Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!"

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark."

"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?"

"I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone."

"Used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."

"Couldn't repair the brakes, so I made the horn louder."

"Why do psychics have to ask for your name?"

"Wear sleeveless shirts! Support your right to bare arms!"

"All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand."

Young Lady

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"

Who was it?

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

Statistics

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that Native Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

I recently lost my databank of jokes, If you have anything good please send them to jvcjokes@yahoogroups.com.

Visa Application

A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.

Irish Secretary

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London."

The girl took his hands and said, "Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner - killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"

"Please forgive me; his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute? That was a close one - I thought you said Protestant."

Bumper stickers - part 3

"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

Little Johnny and 'that' building

The teacher looks out the window and points to a bank, and asks the class what kind of building it is. Little Johnny, always first in, shoots his hand up and shouts, "It's a brothel."

"No", the teacher says, "it's a bank."

The next day the teacher looks out the window and points at a bridge, and asks the class what kind of structure it is.

Little Johnny again shouts out, "It's a brothel."

" No", says the teacher, "it's a bridge."

The next day the teacher rounds up the girls in the class and explains to them that she's sick of Little Johnny's rude comments and the next time he shouts out anything rude, they all must get up and walk out of the classroom.

The teacher looks out the window and points to a hospital and asks the class what kind of building it is.

Without any hesitation Little Johnny shouts, "It's a brothel."

With that, all the girls get up and proceed to walk out of the classroom.

Little Johnny screams, "WHERE THE F*** ARE YOU S***S GOING? IT'S NOT EVEN OPEN YET!"

A priest and a nun...in a snow storm.

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own
stupid blanket!"

P.S. Due to unforeseen events, I lost my large archive of jokes from which I select the ones I post. Please help me keep the jokes coming by submitting your jokes. You can remain anonymous if you wish! Please Email me your jokes (this link is only for submitting jokes)