Story - Cyber Casanova Exposed by Pals

A few month ago, two buddies and I logged on to an Internet chatroomknowing that our pal Todd would be online too. As "saucysuzy19,"we began talking dirty to him and ended up getting his e-mailaddress. We must have made quite an impression, because Toddcould not stop talking about "the hot blond co-ed" he was chatting withthe other night. Over the next few weeks, saucysuzy19 and Toddcontinued their sordid affair, culminating in us e-mailing Todd a bunchof porn pics. Naturally, Saucysuzy19 asked for something inreturn. Two days later, nude pics of Todd landed in ourinbox. Surprisingly, Todd's girlfriend didn't apperciate theirappearance in her inbox. Neither did 50 or so mutual Friends--or Todd.

Good News & Bad News

The president is awakened during the night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. Presindent," The general says, "there's good news and there's bad news."

"Oh no," the presindent sighs. "Well, go ahead, give me the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatues from another planet."

"Dear God!" the persident exclaims. "And the good news?"

"The good news," The general says, "Is that they eat reporters and piss oil."

Story - Gringo offends granny

To win over the parents of my mexican girlfriend, I decided to learnSpanish. They loved it--this gringo was all right. Six months later, Icould hold a simple conversation, but my confidence was growingdangerously faster than my skill. Last year, my girlfriend'sgranny visited from Pueblo. Despite my bad Spanish and the factthat she had a vicious stomach virus during her stay, we hit itoff. As she was leaving, she told the family that she approved ofme. Eager to reinforce her feelings, I sent her a Christmas cardin Spanish. Only while wishing her a feliz año nuevo--HappyNew Year--I left the squiggle off the "n" by mistake. Unbeknownstto me, but clear to anyone who is fluent in Spanish, I had wished thisold lady a "happy new anus" instead. I was banned rapidamente.

Ben T, CA

First -anatomy- Lesson

A group of first-year medical students is gathered aroung an operating table for thier first anatomy lesson with a dead body.

"As a doctor, you'll need to develop two key skills," the professor begins. "The first is stoicism. You can't be disgusted by anything involving the human body." The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse's butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth. "Now do the same," he instructs.

The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadver's anus and then sucking on it.

When everyone has finished, the professor continues, "The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then sucked on my index finger. Pay attention."

Easy Pickings

One day, a farmer walks through his orchard to a nearby pond, carrying a bucket to bring back some fruit. Once he gets to the pond, he sees two hot girls skinny-dipping. They see him and quicklydrop their bodies below the water.

"We're not coming out until you leave!" shouts one of the girls.

"I didn't come to watch you ladies swim naked," says the farmer, holding up the bucket. He continues, "I'm just here to feed the gators."

Blonds define Easter

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. Hetold them before they could enter Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."

Shesaid, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewishfestival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with Hisdisciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him.The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then theyburied Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder....

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

"Then,"the blonde continued, "now every year the Jews roll away the boulderand Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted...

Open and shut case

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your resume, I can see that you are more than qualified," says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you."

"But Wait," says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking."

"Then show me," replies the interviewer. So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately atops winking.

"It's great you stoped winking," says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country."

"What do you mean?" asks the man. "I'm happily married."

"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.

"Oh, that," sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Pit bull -vs- Chihuahua

A man walks into a bar and asks, "Whose pit bull is that out front?"

"It's mine," a guy grunts. "Waht's it to ya?"

"Well," the man answers, "it seems as if my dog just killed your dog."

"Hogwash!" the guy snaps. "What kind of dog do you have?"

"A Chihuahua," the man replies.

"Oh, yeah right," the guy says. "how exactly did my pit bull get killed by this Chihuahua of yours?"

"He Choked on him."

The assignment

A young female teacher is giving an assignment to her sixth-grade class. Because it is a lengthy assignment, she starts writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly, there is a giggle behing her. She quickly turns around and asks, "What's so funny, Patrick?"

"I just saw one of your garters," Patrick says,wide-eyed.

"Get out of my classroom!" she yells. "I don't want to see you for three days!"

Turning back to the chalkboard, she realizes she forgot to title the assignment and reaches to the very top of the board. Suddenly, there is an even luoder giggle. She spins around and asks, "What's so funy now, Billy?"

I just saw both of your garters," Billy says.

"Get out of my classroom," she yells again. "And I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and flustered, the teacher drops the eraser. When she bends over to pick it up, there is a burts of laughter. She quickly turns to see Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"Based on what I just saw," Johnny says, grinning from ear to ear, "my school days are over!"

He wear the pants, but...

Following a whirlwind romance and marriage, reality hits Lisa andFrank. Their sex life diminishes and they begin to get on each other'snerves.

After making love one night, Frank throws his pants at Lisa, "Here," he says, "try these on."

She does and, looking into the mirror, says, "They're much too big."

"That's right," Frank says. "Don't ever forget who wears the pants in this house!"

Scowling, Lisa reaches down and tosses her panties at Frank. "Try these on," She demands.

Studying the garmentm, Frank says, "Forget it! I'll never get into these!"

"Until your attitude changes," Lisa replies, "you're absolutely right."

Loose with girl

Young Timmy O'Shaghnessy goes in for confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

"And how migth de the girl you were with?" the priest sighs.

"I can't tell you," Timmy says. "It would ruin her reputation."

"Was it Brenda O'Malley?" the priest asks.

"No father."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"No father."

"lisa O'Shanter?"

"No father."

"Very well," the priest says. "Say five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Timmy goes back to his pew and hius friend asks, "What did you get?"

Timmy says, "Five Out Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

Explorer in trouble

An explorer in the depths of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a group of cannibals. Realizing the gravity of his situation, he mutters, "Oh, God, I'm screwed."

Suddenly, the sky darkens and a voice booms, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up the stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer grabs the stone and bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the limp body and panting with exhaustion, the man looks out defiantly at the troop of cannibals, who are now yabbering furiously among themselves and sharpening their spears menacingly. Then the voice from heaven booms again, "There...now you're screwed."

~~~~~
P.S.
I'm back, almost 10 days since my last post. Be Ready for more!

Missed Me?

Instead of coming home after work, a man stays out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blowing his paycheck. When he finally returns home Sunday night, he is confronted by his angry wife. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" she shouts.

"That would be fine with me." he replies. Come Monday, he doesn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday come and go with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling goes down just enough for him to see her out of the corner of his left eye.

Lamaze class

The instructor of a Lamaze class is teaching the young couples how to breathe properly during delivery. The teacher announces, "Ladies, excercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And gentlement, it wouldn't hurt you to take time to go walking with you partner." The room gets quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raises his hand.

"Yes?" the teacher asks.

The man asks, "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Just a Rumor

"Guess what I heard in the bar today?" a man asks his wife upon returning home. "They think the milk man has slept with every woman on our block except one."

His wife replies, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis in No. 23."

Not in contract

Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.

I told them my fee: $45.