Bumper Stickers - Part 13

So Many Pedestrians
So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting,
Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise,
Die Anyway.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits
With An Unarmed Person.

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph!

Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Punished for nothing

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "That's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! What was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

Bumper Stickers - Part 12

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

Wife and dog missing, Reward for dog!

I'm hung like Einstein, and smart as a horse.

If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?

Impotence... Natures ways of saying, "No Hard Feelings!"

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

I Have The Body Of A God - ! Buddha.

The Vet

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

Divorce

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95
Volleyball Barbie: $19.95
Shopping Barbie: $19.95
Surfer Barbie: $19.95
Disco Barbie: $19.95
and Divorced Barbie: $299.95

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbie's are $19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds:
"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewelry
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend"

How to forecast the weather - The Fun way

Go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,

The Cat

P.S. Dogs are not good for much

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun way

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate! and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Bra Info

Have you ever wondered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, & H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes?

Well, if you've ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code:

A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can't complain
D. Dang!
DD. Double Dang!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get a reduction
H. HELP ME, I'VE FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP

Police Story

A man goes to a party and has much too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.

The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back. They hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits, but finally decides to drive home.

When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone
who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

Two hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if her husband is there.

His wife says yes, but that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

The police produce his driver's license. Then they ask to see his car. She wants to know why but they insist so she takes them to the garage.

She opens the door. There, sitting in the garage, is the police car, with all
the lights still flashing.

A true story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

What Women say & Really Mean:

Can't we just be friends?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I just need some space.
... without you in it.

Do I look fat in this dress?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

No, pizza's fine.
... you cheap slob!

I just don't want a boyfriend now.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I don't know, what do you want to do?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

Come here.
My puppy does this, too.

I like you, but...
I don't like you.

Of course I love you.
... just not in that way.

You never listen.
You never listen.

We're moving too quickly.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a
girlfriend.

I'll be ready in a minute.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

Oh, no, I'll pay for myself.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

Oh yes!!! Right there!!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'm just going out with the girls.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends

No Forrest, life isn't like a box of chocolate, Women are like a box of chocolate!!?

The Baptist Bra

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.

He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember." said the saleslady, "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"

The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".

U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES! (USRSF)

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES! (USRSF).

These Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas,
Alabama, Georgia, Texas, Tennessee and North & South Carolina boys will be
dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following five facts about
terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq will be over IN A WEEK.

Bumper Stickers - Part 11

Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?

Are you having phone sex or do you always drive that way?

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Guns don't kill people, drivers with Cellphones do.

Drugs lead nowhere, but it's the scenic route.

Where the hell is Easy Street?

Work Harder, Million on welfare depend on you!

The shortest sentence is "I am", the longest is "I do".

Lord, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Make a Woman Happy and a Man

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, HE MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food and beer
3. Hand over the remote.

Sniper Wisdom

December 9, 2005 (CNN)

While interviewing an anonymous US Special Forces soldier on his sniper skills, a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil."

Something to Offend Everyone!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along
with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairy tale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Kids say the darndest things! - 01

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.

"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man.

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

THE letter

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw and envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "DAD" with the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

DEAR DAD,
It is with great regreat and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Tammy and she is so nice even with all her piercings, tattoos and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, Dad - She's pregnant and Tammy assures me that we will be verry happy. Even though you don't care for her since she is si much older than I am, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. She wants to have more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Tammy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we need. In the meantime, we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Tammy cad get better; She sure deserves it!! Don't worry, Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your Son,
Johny

P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at billy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk center drawer.

I Love You!

Let me know when it's safe to come home

How news is made

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago park when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.

A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Cub Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal" he starts writing
in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Cub Fan", the little boy replies.

"Sorry but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were", says the reporter and starts writing again. "Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack", he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sox Fan either", the little boy replies.

"Sorry but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were", says the reporter and starts writing again. "Bears Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he! writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Bears Fan either," says the boy.

"Oh... I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Packers fan," the boy replies.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard from Wisconsin Kills Beloved Family Pet"

Bumper Stickers - Part 10

Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

I child-proofed my house, but they still get in.

I am not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk...Alcoholics go to meetings.

If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Take revenge, shit on a pigeon.

Driver carries no cash...He's Married.

4 out of 3 People have trouble with fractions

I brake for... Oh shit, No brakes.

Take you ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water.

Research points to...

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Blonds Year in Review

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years".

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

Stupid Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
That's the only time I have to work on my hair.

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
The shoplifter special?

On a bar of Dial soap -- Directions: Use like regular soap.
And that would be?

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- Serving suggestion: Defrost.
But it's just a suggestion.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- Do not turn upside down.
Well ... duh, a bit late, huh!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- Product will be hot after heating.
And you thought?

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- Do not iron clothes on body.
But wouldn't this save me time?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- Warning: May cause drowsiness.
I'm taking this because?

On most brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only.
As opposed to what?

On a Japanese food processor -- Not to be used for the other use.
Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- Warning: contains nuts.
Talk about a news flash!

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
Step 3: say what?

On a child's Superman costume -- Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.

On a Swedish chainsaw -- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
Oh my gosh! Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?

Signs that you're over the hill

1. You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

2. You keep repeating yourself.

3. You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

4. Someone compliments you on your layered look...and you're wearing a swimsuit.

5. You keep repeating yourself.

6. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

7. Your insurance company has started sending you their free calendar... a month at a time.

8. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

9. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

10. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.

11. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

12. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

13. You keep repeating yourself.

14. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

15. You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.

16. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

17. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

18. You look both ways before crossing a room.

19. You keep repeating yourself.

20. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

21. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak... and you say "pureed."

22. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.

23. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

24. Your back goes out more than you do.

25. You keep repeating yourself.

26. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "the hi-fi."

27. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.

28. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

29. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

30. Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

31. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style...came back in style.

32. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.

33. You keep repeating yourself.