You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas...really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected!
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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