Friendship between, Women and Men

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Organ in charge

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge !!

No parent left behind...

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL excuse notes written by PARENTS ...(Spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a Doctor's care and should not take PE Today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her Shot.
3. Dear School: Please ECSC's John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloris from Jim Today. She is administrating.
5. Pl!ease excuse Roland from P.E. a few days. Yesterday He Fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus ha has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre, dyrea, di!reathe, the sh**s.
12. Please excuse Tommy from being absent Yestarday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent Yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. - You know, this could be legit!
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch,! and when We found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with The Marines. - I absolutely LOVE that one!
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with Gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as She was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the Doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because She had a Fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat,her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father enven got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

Kids say the darndest things! - 03

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,

Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

Daddy's Little Girl - Late Valentine

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,"
She asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

Late, but smart?!

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

Love Story

I shall seek and find you

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan

I will make you beg for mercy...beg me to stop

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you

And you will be weak for days

All my love

The Flu

Words with two meanings - F/M

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female. . . Any part under a car's hood.
Male. . . The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female. . . Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male. . . Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female. . . The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male. . . Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female. . . A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male. . . Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female. . . A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male. . . Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female. . . An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male. . . A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female. . . The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male. . . Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female. . . A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male. . . A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

The years best headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says --No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers --Now that's taking things a bit far!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? --Not if I wipe thoroughly!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over --What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death --No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant --See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace --I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile --You think?

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures --Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide --They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges --You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge --he probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group --Weren't they big enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft --That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks --Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half --now that's magic!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors --Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Texas vs Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!"

They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has died down a little when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Big hurry and brave

The Smith's were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as brave as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Smith turned to his wife...

"Show him your tooth, Honey."

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't

1. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
2. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. Look at the size of his putter.
5. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
6. Mind if I join your threesome?
7. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
8. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
9. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
10. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

Bumper Stickers - Part 14

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

Jesus is coming,
look busy.

I love god,
It's his fans I can't stand

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?

Don't steal,
the government hates competition.

All Men Are Animals;
Some Just Make Better Pets.

Get even,
live long enough to become a problem to your kids.

Isn't a smoking area in a restaurant
like a peeing area in a pool?

I had a life...
but my job ate it.

I may be fat, but you're ugly,
and I can diet.

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -- "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: "Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'

Top ten things only women understand

1. Cats' facial expressions.
2. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
3. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
4. Fat clothes.
5. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
6. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
7. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
8. Eyelash curlers.
9. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
10. OTHER WOMEN.

Breaking News...

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush has just ordered the bombing of the Canary Islands.

Top ten rejected titles for "Brokeback Mountain"

10. “Not-That-There’s-Anything-Wrong-With-That Mountain”
9. “Wyatt Slurp”
8. “For A Few Dollars More We Can Make It A Threesome”
7. “Long Ranger”
6. “Go West Young Man….Now South…..a Little More South….OH GOD YES RIGHT THERE!”
5. “Bunanza”
4. “The Good, The Bad, and the Fabulous”
3. “Broke My Back Mounting Him”
2. “Fun With Dick In James”
1. “Oklahomo”

Cat Scan

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog on the examination table.

The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

Headaches

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. But as he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "What I need is a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said,
"Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see . . .
size 36."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head. "You can't wear a size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit = $400
New shirt = $36
New underwear = $6
Second opinion = PRICELESS

More to come

The days have been long, but don't panic. I'll post more jokes soon. More than one for sure.

Funny HA HA!

You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas...really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected!

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Kids say the darndest things! - 02

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, you had your chance before Lights out. "Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...."
"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!" Five minutes
later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

A Prisoner's Last Request

Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "Kill me first."