9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together Their three kids,all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad, just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present...

Sorry. "It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the dad. "and cheap ones too!"

Bush Presidential Library Destroyed by Flood

Crawford, Texas -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both of his books have been lost.

A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.

Ski Trip

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Cinderella

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

Then with a blazing shock of bright 'BLUE' electricity, the fairy godmother disappeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob silently strolled slowly over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her 'GOLDEN' rocking chair. As he held her close in his young muscular arms...her long golden hair moved slightly with his warm breath breathing on her neck....he whispered...
"I Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!."

The gunfighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.


"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

Bush's Cabinet

President George W. Bush was going to a Home Depot. His bodyguards surrounded him, and everyone immediately took notice of the unusual sight. They looked closer and they saw who it was. Everyone was in awe. "Why would George W. bush be in a Home Depot?" they all asked each other. "He should have his workers do it for him".

Finally, one man asked the President, "What are you doing in this little store of ours?"

To which George replied, "Oh, everyone has been saying that I should get a new cabinet".

Kids say the darndest things! - 07

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn
the farmer.

She read, "and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is
falling, the sky is falling! '"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:

“Holy Shit! A talking chicken!” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

First Time Skydiver

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

Nothing happens.

He tries again. Still nothing.

He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens.

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Wedding Night Bliss

A Chinese couple gets married, and she is a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses, He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darling" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about....numba 69".

More thoughtful silence this time from him. Eventually in a puzzled tone he asks, "You want ...Chicken wiff Broccoli?".

Blond Hammer Heads

Two blondes were building a house. One saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into.

"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"

"Well, when i pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, i nail it it. If it is facing away from the House, it is defective and i throw it away."

"You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side of the house."

Who's yo Daddy

The following are all replies that Dallas TX women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details". Or putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out number 11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding. the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time ... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Your tax dollars at work...

IRS visit

Dennis arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by Another man. Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported income. How do You explain that?"

Dennis replied, "I love to gamble and I always win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look "I can prove it," said Dennis. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Dennis said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Dennis removed his glass eye and bit it. The official's jaw dropped.

Dennis said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The official could tell Dennis wasn't blind, so he took the bet. Dennis then removed his dentures and bit his good eye. The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!"Want to go double or nothing?" Dennis asked. "I'll bet you six thousand Dollars that I can stand on your desk and pee into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again! Dennis climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much got pee all over the desk. The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Dennis's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking."Are you okay?" he asked.

The man replied, "Not really. Yesterday Dennis bet me twenty thousand Dollars he'd pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

Labrador

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and slightly rolled
down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Congress People

You may have seen this before, but if so, then let this be a reminder of how dumb some congress people really are.

A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not
trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts," Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa," Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied,
"Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into
it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".

Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in!

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, go ahead, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?"

Gripe Sheet

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely for our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit..
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear..
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Short Q&A

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Kids say the darndest things! - 06

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven”.

“Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.” His mother heard what he was
saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how
your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching
my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a
bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, She answered, "What I taught them was, two
plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists

Weekly Grocery Lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer, 1963

WEEK ONE
* Beans
* Bacon
* Coffee
* Whiskey

WEEK TWO
* Beans
* Ham
* Coffee
* Whiskey

WEEK THREE
* Beans al fresca
* Thin-sliced Bacon
* Hazelnut Coffee
* Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin
* K-Y gel

WEEK FOUR
* Beans en salade
* Pancetta
* Coffee (espresso grind)
* 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
* 2 tubes K-Y gel

WEEK FIVE
* Fresh Fava beans
* Jasmine rice
* Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
* Medallions of veal
* Porcini mushrooms
* 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
* 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
* 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
* 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX
* Yukon Gold potatoes
* Heavy whipping cream
* Asparagus (very thin)
* Organic Eggs
* Spanish Lemons
* Gruyere cheese (well aged)
* Crushed Walnuts
* Arugula
* Clarified Butter
* Extra Virgin Olive oil
* Pure Balsamic vinegar
* 6 yards white silk organdy
* 6 yards pale ivory taffeta
* 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
* Large tin Crisco

Stay!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and slightly rolled
down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Meow!

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one.....

A couple was dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my Mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat a-- downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car......

New Year Resolution...?

The 1st Quater of the year just ended. Now we start the 2nd quater. Have keeped your New Year's resolutions?

Was one of your resolutions to go on a diet or lose weight?

You Know It's Time to Diet When...

• You dance and it makes the band skip.
• You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
• You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
• You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
• Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
• You run away, and your picture takes up all four sides of the milk carton.
• You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
• You could sell shade.
• Your blood type is Ragu.
• You need an appointment to attend an "open house."