A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Saturday, January 29, 2005
What about Sunday school class?
Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. while they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in Westby next Friday?"
"Yeah, Ole, that would be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in Westby. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "what would I tell my Sunday School class?"
well, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "would you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "What vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, Ole Was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how would you like
to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yeah, Ole, that vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed,
her hair all spread out on her pillow. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you one thing," said Ole. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"
"Yeah, Ole, that would be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in Westby. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "what would I tell my Sunday School class?"
well, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "would you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "What vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, Ole Was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how would you like
to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yeah, Ole, that vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed,
her hair all spread out on her pillow. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you one thing," said Ole. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"
Friday, January 28, 2005
Bonehead class of '04
Found in Maxim Dec. '04 magazine Pg.52
The list people that made asses of themselves. I just point some of my favorites, Like:
The list people that made asses of themselves. I just point some of my favorites, Like:
- Jessica Cutler, This Senate mail clerk had ongoing sexual relationships with six men (one a married Bush official), documented in a blog -Washingtonienne- that went public.
- Cutler was fired, but bounced back by posing nude and got a six-figure book dea, proving sleeping around pays.
- Brock Lesnar, The WWE star turned down $45 million to give the NFL a try in a $230,000 rokie deal despite not having played football since high school.
- Lesner was injured in a motorcycle crash right before training camp.
Wealthy (reads annoying) customer
"It's chilly in here," the wealthy customer sniffed. "Will you please turn down the air conditioner?"
"No problem, sir," said the waiter.
After a few minutes, the man flagged the server again. "Now I'm too warm."
"All right," said the waiter. But soon the customer was chilly again.
Finally a patron at a nearby table whispered to the waiter, "I commend you for your patience. That guy is sure keeping you busy."
"No, he's not," the waiter said with a shrug. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
"No problem, sir," said the waiter.
After a few minutes, the man flagged the server again. "Now I'm too warm."
"All right," said the waiter. But soon the customer was chilly again.
Finally a patron at a nearby table whispered to the waiter, "I commend you for your patience. That guy is sure keeping you busy."
"No, he's not," the waiter said with a shrug. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Winter Vacation
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Golfers
This foursome has teed off every Saturday morning for the past three years. One of the guys was a most remarkable player. He would play left-handed for a couple of weeks, and the next week he would play right-handed with equal skill. His one annoying fault was that every couple of months or so he would be twenty minutes late to tee off. One morning, after this guy had landed his second shot just two feet from the pin, one of the others said, "I can't stand it any longer! Jess, what's with switching sides, right to left? Why do you do that?"
"Well, I tell ya. Every Saturday morning when I wake up, I turn over and look at my wife in the bed next to me. If she's sleeping on her right side, then I tee off right-handed. If she's on her left side, then I play left-handed."
"Aha! But what if she's on her back?"
"That's when I'm twenty minutes late!"
"Well, I tell ya. Every Saturday morning when I wake up, I turn over and look at my wife in the bed next to me. If she's sleeping on her right side, then I tee off right-handed. If she's on her left side, then I play left-handed."
"Aha! But what if she's on her back?"
"That's when I'm twenty minutes late!"
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Weird Laws
The following laws are still on the books. Most are no longer enforced and many contemporary lawmakers are not even aware of the laws' existence or history. Some are state laws. Some are local laws within the states. Check to see if you have broken any laws.
Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
Florida:
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. SARASOTA Illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
Louisiana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
4. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
Nebraska:
1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
New Mexico:
1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
New York:
1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
North Dakota:
1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Ohio:
1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
Oklahoma:
1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
Pennsylvania:
1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
Texas:
1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit. -
2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
Vermont:
1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week - on Saturday night.
Washington:
1. All lollipops are banned.
2. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.
West Virginia:
1. No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."
Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
Florida:
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. SARASOTA Illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
Louisiana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
4. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
Nebraska:
1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
New Mexico:
1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
New York:
1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
North Dakota:
1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Ohio:
1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
Oklahoma:
1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
Pennsylvania:
1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
Texas:
1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit. -
2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
Vermont:
1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week - on Saturday night.
Washington:
1. All lollipops are banned.
2. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.
West Virginia:
1. No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."
Language Skills
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Marta said, "My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Sarita raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals."
"That's good, too," said the teacher, "but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn't damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Billy said proudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
Marta said, "My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Sarita raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals."
"That's good, too," said the teacher, "but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn't damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Billy said proudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
Monday, January 24, 2005
Nuts
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."
The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. "
The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before
the boy.
P.S.
Q: How do you keep a Kid from wetting the bed?
A: Give him an electric Blanket.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."
The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. "
The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before
the boy.
P.S.
Q: How do you keep a Kid from wetting the bed?
A: Give him an electric Blanket.
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Spot
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, who was lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, who was lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
Union House
A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house!"
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame. Then, gesturing to an obese
fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house!"
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame. Then, gesturing to an obese
fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Engineers
There are three engineers in a car, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Maybe Gates still has this engineer working for him. He was probably one of the many people involved in his Keynote address at CES. You know where Bill Gates experiences three Windows craches during CES keynote.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Maybe Gates still has this engineer working for him. He was probably one of the many people involved in his Keynote address at CES. You know where Bill Gates experiences three Windows craches during CES keynote.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Genie of one wish
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they tempermental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they tempermental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Completely Stumped
A lady places a personal ad in the paper that reads, "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't run out on me and is good in bed."
Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs.
"I'm here in response to your personal ad," he says. "I don't have arms, so I can't beat you. And I don't have legs, so I can't run out on you."
"But I need a good lover too." She replies.
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs.
"I'm here in response to your personal ad," he says. "I don't have arms, so I can't beat you. And I don't have legs, so I can't run out on you."
"But I need a good lover too." She replies.
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Three Nurses
Three nurses died and went to Heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who questioned them.
"What did you used to do back on Earth?" he asked the first nurse. "Why do you think you should be allowed into Heaven?"
She told him, "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor children."
"Very noble. You may enter." And he ushered her through the gates. He asked the same questions to the next nurse.
"I was a missionary nurse in the Amazon. For many years I worked with a small group of doctors and nurses to help people in numerous tribes, healing them and telling them of God's love." The second nurse replied.
"Excellent!" said St. Peter. And he ushered her through the gates as well. Finally he posed his questions to the third nurse.
She hesitated, then explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
St. Peter considered her answer for a moment, then told her! , "Well, you can enter, too."
"Wow!" the nurse exclaimed in relief. "I almost thought you weren't going to let me in."
"Oh, you can certainly come in," St. Peter told her, "but you can only stay for three days."
"What did you used to do back on Earth?" he asked the first nurse. "Why do you think you should be allowed into Heaven?"
She told him, "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor children."
"Very noble. You may enter." And he ushered her through the gates. He asked the same questions to the next nurse.
"I was a missionary nurse in the Amazon. For many years I worked with a small group of doctors and nurses to help people in numerous tribes, healing them and telling them of God's love." The second nurse replied.
"Excellent!" said St. Peter. And he ushered her through the gates as well. Finally he posed his questions to the third nurse.
She hesitated, then explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
St. Peter considered her answer for a moment, then told her! , "Well, you can enter, too."
"Wow!" the nurse exclaimed in relief. "I almost thought you weren't going to let me in."
"Oh, you can certainly come in," St. Peter told her, "but you can only stay for three days."
Monday, January 17, 2005
Dentist?
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"
Surprised, the guy says "Yes... how did you figure that out?"
The girl says: "Easy. You keep washing your hands." One thing leads to another... They make love... After they're done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"
The guy is very surprised and flattered, he says: "Well, yes, I am a great dentist, but how did you figure that out?"
The girl says: "Easy. I didn't feel a thing!"
Surprised, the guy says "Yes... how did you figure that out?"
The girl says: "Easy. You keep washing your hands." One thing leads to another... They make love... After they're done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"
The guy is very surprised and flattered, he says: "Well, yes, I am a great dentist, but how did you figure that out?"
The girl says: "Easy. I didn't feel a thing!"
Sunday, January 16, 2005
A few bright individuals - Part 2
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
~~~~~~~~~~
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.
~~~~~~~~~~
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
~~~~~~~~~~
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.
~~~~~~~~~~
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
A few bright individuals - Part 1
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
~~~~~~~~~~
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
~~~~~~~~~~
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
~~~~~~~~~~
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
~~~~~~~~~~
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
~~~~~~~~~~
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
~~~~~~~~~~
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
Friday, January 14, 2005
Animal Attraction
A hunter spots a small bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear.
"You've got two choices," says the bear. "I maul you or we have sex."
The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the pissed-off hunter searchesout and shoots the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him.
"admit it," says the bear. " You don't come here for the hunting , do you?"
"You've got two choices," says the bear. "I maul you or we have sex."
The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the pissed-off hunter searchesout and shoots the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him.
"admit it," says the bear. " You don't come here for the hunting , do you?"
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Daddy's Ten Rules of Dating
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate - when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are also to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate - when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are also to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Johnny is quized
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
He was older than some of the others. He said, "Damned if I know."
She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said. "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that thing, you damn well better own up to it!"
He was older than some of the others. He said, "Damned if I know."
She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said. "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that thing, you damn well better own up to it!"
Found Wallet
I was walking down the road today and I found a wallet.
I was going to keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I was going to keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
Little boy answered, "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
Little boy answered, "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
Monday, January 10, 2005
Newlyweds
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Randy the roster
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster- one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".
"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".
"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
Friday, January 07, 2005
Little Yossi's Choice
Little Yossi and his family move to a small town down south.
When Yossi gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town an nobody really bothered him.
One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held up a twenty dollar bill and said "who ever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars".
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."
"That's excellent" said the teacher.
Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.
One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."
Another excellent choice said the teacher.
Then Yossi, raised his hand.
So the teacher called on Yossi. "Yes Yossi, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"
And Yossi said "Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Yossi," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Yossi should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Yossi the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. And asked Yossi why he said Jesus.
Yossi said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business."
When Yossi gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town an nobody really bothered him.
One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held up a twenty dollar bill and said "who ever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars".
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."
"That's excellent" said the teacher.
Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.
One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."
Another excellent choice said the teacher.
Then Yossi, raised his hand.
So the teacher called on Yossi. "Yes Yossi, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"
And Yossi said "Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Yossi," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Yossi should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Yossi the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. And asked Yossi why he said Jesus.
Yossi said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business."
Embarrassing Moments
Two winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments contest in New Woman magazine:
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."
-Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."
-Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
P.S. I see a few regular now. You can join my mailing list. To join, just send me an eMail to "jesusvmail-jokes@yahoo.com" with the subject "Join".
You'll get the same jokes I post and some that I can't post because of their content. I don't include add anything to my eMail only jokes, Just like this blog.
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."
-Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."
-Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
P.S. I see a few regular now. You can join my mailing list. To join, just send me an eMail to "jesusvmail-jokes@yahoo.com" with the subject "Join".
You'll get the same jokes I post and some that I can't post because of their content. I don't include add anything to my eMail only jokes, Just like this blog.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Class Visits Farm
One day, a class of third graders from the city were taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asked one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"
"The hen lays eggs," replied the little girl.
"Very good!" said the farmer.
Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"
"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."
"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asked little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"
"Yeah," replied little Johnny with a grin. "Bulls smile when you milk them."
"The hen lays eggs," replied the little girl.
"Very good!" said the farmer.
Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"
"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."
"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asked little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"
"Yeah," replied little Johnny with a grin. "Bulls smile when you milk them."
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Old Laddy With Good Idea
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse and pulled out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, now that's a good idea! What is that your putting over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her that she could purchase them at a pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this little old lady was interested in condoms.
He asked her, "what size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a moment and said, "one that will fit a Camel."
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, now that's a good idea! What is that your putting over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her that she could purchase them at a pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this little old lady was interested in condoms.
He asked her, "what size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a moment and said, "one that will fit a Camel."
Doctor's Advise
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
Monday, January 03, 2005
Horse Sh*t
A door-to-door vacuum salesman knocks, and an old lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and empties a bucket of horse sh*t over her hall carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't clean up every last speck of that, I'll eat it."
"Do you want a spoon?" she asks, "we've only moved in this morning and the electricity's not on yet".
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't clean up every last speck of that, I'll eat it."
"Do you want a spoon?" she asks, "we've only moved in this morning and the electricity's not on yet".
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Dictionary of Dating - (PG)
DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE:
A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER:
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE:
A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER:
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
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