There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist asked.
The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ''Nope.''
As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs.
As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!''
The old man muttered, ''Ain't my dog.''
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Laxative Cough Therapy
A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.
An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can't find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store. The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "Look at him -- he's afraid to cough."
An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can't find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store. The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "Look at him -- he's afraid to cough."
Saturday, November 27, 2004
How long?
A man sticks his head into the barbershop and asks, "How Long is the wait?"
"About two hours," the barber says, and the man leaves.
A few days later, the same man pokes his head in and again asks, "How long is the Wait?"
The barber looks around and says, "Give me two hours." The guy leaves.
A week later, the man pops in again and asks the same question. The barber says, "About an hour." Once again the man leaves. This time the barber send his friend to follow the man. His buddy returns later, cracking up. "So, where's he been going?" the barber asks.
"Your House."
"About two hours," the barber says, and the man leaves.
A few days later, the same man pokes his head in and again asks, "How long is the Wait?"
The barber looks around and says, "Give me two hours." The guy leaves.
A week later, the man pops in again and asks the same question. The barber says, "About an hour." Once again the man leaves. This time the barber send his friend to follow the man. His buddy returns later, cracking up. "So, where's he been going?" the barber asks.
"Your House."
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Butterball Turkey Talk-Line...
Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (''Will it cook faster if I drive faster?''), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are real incidents, true stories -- from the front lines!
Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!
Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called ''Turkey Central'' for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.
Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, ''How do you thaw a fresh turkey?'' The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.
Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the ''Be prepared'' motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.
Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to comment, ''On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can't.'' (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)
Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, ''I don't know, it's still running around outside.''
Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.
White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.
Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!
Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called ''Turkey Central'' for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.
Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, ''How do you thaw a fresh turkey?'' The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.
Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the ''Be prepared'' motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.
Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to comment, ''On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can't.'' (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)
Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, ''I don't know, it's still running around outside.''
Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.
White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Thanksgiving Forecast:
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.During the evening, the turkey will dimish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.We expect a warming trend where soup develops.By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.During the evening, the turkey will dimish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.We expect a warming trend where soup develops.By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
How to cook a Turkey...
- Go buy a turkey
- Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
- Put turkey in the oven
- Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
- Set the degree at 375 ovens
- Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
- Turn oven the on
- Take 4 whisks of drinky
- Turk the bastey
- Whiskey another bottle of get
- Stick a turkey in the thermometer
- Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
- Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Floor the turkey up off of the pick
- Turk the carvey
- Get yourself another scottle of botch
- Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
- Bless the saying, pass and eat out
- Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
- Put turkey in the oven
- Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
- Set the degree at 375 ovens
- Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
- Turn oven the on
- Take 4 whisks of drinky
- Turk the bastey
- Whiskey another bottle of get
- Stick a turkey in the thermometer
- Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
- Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Floor the turkey up off of the pick
- Turk the carvey
- Get yourself another scottle of botch
- Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
- Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Monday, November 22, 2004
American soldiers was patrolling...
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Potential & Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
Thursday, November 18, 2004
I Guess That's Fair
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
Taste Test
A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.
"Can you guess what it is?"
"I don't know," said the boy.
"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."
The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass."
"Can you guess what it is?"
"I don't know," said the boy.
"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."
The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass."
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Love At First Sight
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed and said ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''
''No, she replied.....You just happened to catch my eye!''
''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed and said ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''
''No, she replied.....You just happened to catch my eye!''
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
~~~~~~~~~~
One out of Four People in this country is mentally unbalanced.
Think of your Three closest friends...
If that seem okay, then you're the one!!!
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
~~~~~~~~~~
One out of Four People in this country is mentally unbalanced.
Think of your Three closest friends...
If that seem okay, then you're the one!!!
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Bush Bashing
Top ten reasons George W. Bush should be impeached
1) Compassionativity is not a word.
2) Social Security IS a federal program.
3) Benjamin Franklin did NOT invent the light bulb.
4) Trout are not extinct.
5) Brazil DOES have blacks.
6) Speaking is an important part of being president.
7) Our children is learning enough.
8) Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me.
9) Two words... Big Oil.
10)Sanity is an inalieble right.
~~~~~~~~~~
Big pimpin'
What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and George Bush?
A pimp with a speech impediment.
~~~~~~~~~~
We take you now to the Oval Office
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
~~~~~~~~~~
George Bush is so stupid, he went to a concert and waved to Stevie Wonder.
~~~~~~~~~~
And 'we' Elected him?!?
1) Compassionativity is not a word.
2) Social Security IS a federal program.
3) Benjamin Franklin did NOT invent the light bulb.
4) Trout are not extinct.
5) Brazil DOES have blacks.
6) Speaking is an important part of being president.
7) Our children is learning enough.
8) Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me.
9) Two words... Big Oil.
10)Sanity is an inalieble right.
~~~~~~~~~~
Big pimpin'
What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and George Bush?
A pimp with a speech impediment.
~~~~~~~~~~
We take you now to the Oval Office
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
~~~~~~~~~~
George Bush is so stupid, he went to a concert and waved to Stevie Wonder.
~~~~~~~~~~
And 'we' Elected him?!?
Chiste para bilingues
A middle aged Chicana had a heart attack and was taken to the Hospital. While on the operating table, the comadre was delirious, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Ay Dios Santo, is my time up?
Dios said, "No mijita, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."
Upon recovery, the Chicana decided to stay in the hospital and have the works done: a face-lift, liposuction, a chichi lift, nalga lift and a pansa tuck.
The Chica was all excited cause she knew she had a long life ahead and wanted to look bien chingona! After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way to a taqueria, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of Creator, she demanded, "Orale pues - Que paso? I thought you said I had another 40 or so years to go? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that pinche ambulance?"
The Creator replied, "Pues, mijita, I didn't even recognize you."
~~~~~~~~~~
Changes is but, but don't rush it!!!
Dios said, "No mijita, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."
Upon recovery, the Chicana decided to stay in the hospital and have the works done: a face-lift, liposuction, a chichi lift, nalga lift and a pansa tuck.
The Chica was all excited cause she knew she had a long life ahead and wanted to look bien chingona! After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way to a taqueria, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of Creator, she demanded, "Orale pues - Que paso? I thought you said I had another 40 or so years to go? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that pinche ambulance?"
The Creator replied, "Pues, mijita, I didn't even recognize you."
~~~~~~~~~~
Changes is but, but don't rush it!!!
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Speaking Women-ese
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
No Forrest, life isn't like a box of chocolate, Women are like a box of chocolate!!?
- CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
- There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
- I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
- ... without you in it.
- DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
- We haven't had a fight in a while.
- NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
- ... you cheap slob!
- I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
- I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
- I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
- I can't believe you have nothing planned.
- COME HERE.
- My puppy does this, too.
- I LIKE YOU, BUT...
- I don't like you.
- OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
- ... just not in that way.
- YOU NEVER LISTEN.
- You never listen.
- WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
- I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
- I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
- I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
- OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
- I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
- OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
- Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
- I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
- We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends
No Forrest, life isn't like a box of chocolate, Women are like a box of chocolate!!?
Shy Guy's Rejection
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, ''Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?'' She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, ''No, I won't sleep with you tonight...you pig ''
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table with a red face. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, ''I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.'' To which he responds, screaming at the top of his lungs, ''What do you mean $200 for a BJ?''
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table with a red face. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, ''I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.'' To which he responds, screaming at the top of his lungs, ''What do you mean $200 for a BJ?''
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
It doesn't take a genius
A resident of West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, she wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license. She presented her West Virginia drivers license and the clerk grabbed it away from her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!"
A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.
~~~~~~~~~~
A report from a 9th grader:
Our school campus has twenty buildings spread over seventy acres. There were two soda machines. Recently they added a third. I overheard the workers arguing where to put the new machine. They decided to put it next to the other machine because that way people would notice it when buying drinks. There was one tiny flaw in that plan. The two machines sold the same drinks, and the new one cost an extra 75 cents.
~~~~~~~~~~
While shopping at the grocery store, a woman noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. She mentioned this fact to the cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"
The cashier replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."
~~~~~~~~~~
A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.
He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get in here."
I replied, "That ID is a few years old."
He looked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh, OK" and let me in.
~~~~~~~~~~
A medical student doing a rotation in toxicology at a poison control center got a call from a woman who was very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The medical student quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
The medical student told her that she better bring her daughter into the ER right away.
~~~~~~~~~~
The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.
~~~~~~~~~~
If you see any stories like these, please send them to
me!
A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.
~~~~~~~~~~
A report from a 9th grader:
Our school campus has twenty buildings spread over seventy acres. There were two soda machines. Recently they added a third. I overheard the workers arguing where to put the new machine. They decided to put it next to the other machine because that way people would notice it when buying drinks. There was one tiny flaw in that plan. The two machines sold the same drinks, and the new one cost an extra 75 cents.
~~~~~~~~~~
While shopping at the grocery store, a woman noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. She mentioned this fact to the cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"
The cashier replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."
~~~~~~~~~~
A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.
He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get in here."
I replied, "That ID is a few years old."
He looked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh, OK" and let me in.
~~~~~~~~~~
A medical student doing a rotation in toxicology at a poison control center got a call from a woman who was very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The medical student quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
The medical student told her that she better bring her daughter into the ER right away.
~~~~~~~~~~
The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.
~~~~~~~~~~
If you see any stories like these, please send them to
me!
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
MEMORANDUM
From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers
Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.
~~~~~~~~~~
From: General Manager
To: Managers
By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.
~~~~~~~~~~
From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs
By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.
~~~~~~~~~~
From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs
Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.
~~~~~~~~~~
From: Section Chief
To: All EA's
When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.
~~~~~~~~~~
If you want something done right, do it your self!
To: General Managers
Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.
~~~~~~~~~~
From: General Manager
To: Managers
By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.
~~~~~~~~~~
From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs
By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.
~~~~~~~~~~
From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs
Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.
~~~~~~~~~~
From: Section Chief
To: All EA's
When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.
~~~~~~~~~~
If you want something done right, do it your self!
Monday, November 08, 2004
College anyone?
The first realizations that you are not in college anymore!!!
Something to think about!
- You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
- Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
- College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
- Your parents charge rent.
- The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.
- It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.
- Three words: Student Loan Payments.
- You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche.
- You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
- Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end.
- THEN: discussing with your friends: GPA's, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey;
- NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.
- Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
- Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
- Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
- Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
- Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.
- The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
- The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.
- You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.
- Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable.
- You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while taking in college.
- You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
- You empathize with the characters from 'Friends.'
- METABOLISM SLOWDOWN
- Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
- You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
- Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
- When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the same as I used to.'
- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.
- You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not full of '21-year-old kids.'
- Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.
Something to think about!
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Little Johnny (similar a Pepito)
Little Johnny was puzzled as to his origin.
- "How did I get here, Mommy?"
His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent
you."
- "And did God send YOU, too Mommy?"
- "Yes, Johnny, He did."
- "And GRANDMA and GREAT-GRANDMA and DADDY, too?"
Again the answer was "Yes, Johnny, He did."
Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief.
- "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?!?!? No wonder everyone is so cranky!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Kids know more that you give them credit for!
- "How did I get here, Mommy?"
His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent
you."
- "And did God send YOU, too Mommy?"
- "Yes, Johnny, He did."
- "And GRANDMA and GREAT-GRANDMA and DADDY, too?"
Again the answer was "Yes, Johnny, He did."
Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief.
- "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?!?!? No wonder everyone is so cranky!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Kids know more that you give them credit for!
Kid Jokes
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.
"He died and went to heaven," I replied.
My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?"
I said, "God tells me."
Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
~~~~~~~~~~
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
~~~~~~~~~~
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Be carefull what you say around KiDs.
"He died and went to heaven," I replied.
My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?"
I said, "God tells me."
Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
~~~~~~~~~~
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
~~~~~~~~~~
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Be carefull what you say around KiDs.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Get on the bus
A woman wearing a real tight dress, and carrying a bunch of packages tries to get on a bus. She can't get up the step so she reaches behind and drops the zipper on her skirt a little, tries again and still can't make it, so she drops her skirt zipper a bit more, still no luck, she reaches back drops her skirt zipper a bunch and the guy behind her gooses her, picks her up, carries her on the bus, pays both fares, sets her down and kisses her left breast.
The woman slaps him, and the guy says, "Honey after you pulled my zipper down the third time, I figured we were friends."
----------
Here We Go Again!
The woman slaps him, and the guy says, "Honey after you pulled my zipper down the third time, I figured we were friends."
----------
Here We Go Again!
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