Words Women use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

Go ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Whatever
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

Women are EVIL by nature

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Fortune Teller

Jeff was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Jeff readily agreed and took a seat at the palm reader's table.

"I can see that you currently have no girlfriend." She said

"That's true," said Jeff.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Jeff shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses."

Darn Medication!

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she again asked if he would like something. "How would you like a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

Again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken?

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

Italian pasta diet - It really works!!

You walka pasta da bakery.
You walka pasta da candy store.
You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

And...

Concerned about...

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills

Beer study:

Yesterday scientist for Health Canada suggested that, considering the result of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one hour periond. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, angued over nothing and refuse to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Kids say the darndest things! - 09

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a
smooth one, can I play with him?"

Finally someone has cleared this up!

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

Just thought you would like to know!!

Sexual Frequency

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately. Until he comes to the last man in line, that is. This guy was grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but is surprised when the man said no.

"Once a day, then?"

Again the answer was no.

"Twice a week?"

"No."

"Twice a month?"

"No."

The man finally said yes when the doctor got to "once a year".

The therapist was angry that his theory wasn't working, and asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"

Old Phrase

A bit of history you never found in your High School History Books

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin' me!" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country. Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued
swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all
who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us, without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!"

U.S. Passports in France

This one 'says it all' about what the basic philosophy of our country is all about, and how we are received around the world.

At a French airport...
A group of American retired teachers recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, was part of the tour group.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible!" barked the officer. "Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France."

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Dearest Redneck Daughter,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not to sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried and hot because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.

We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt, MoM

Madres (Mothers)

Mrs. Gonzalez comes to visit her son Jose for dinner. Jose lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, Mama can't help but notice how pretty Jose's roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between her son, Jose and his roommate than meets the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts, Jose volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Jose saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house,
and I'm not saying that you didn't take it.

But the fact remains that it
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Jose.

Several days later, Jose receives an email response from his Mama:

Mijo,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama

MORAL: Never lie to your Mama

So Smart

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

Explaining things to children

KID - Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq ?
DAD - Because they had weapons of mass destruction.

KID - But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
DAD - That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

KID - And that's why we invaded Iraq ?
DAD - Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

KID - But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
DAD - That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

KID - Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
DAD - To use them in a war, silly.

KID - I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
DAD - Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

KID - That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons with which they could have fought back?
DAD - It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

KID - I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
DAD - Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

KID - And what was that?
DAD - Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.

KID - Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
DAD - Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

KID - Kind of like what they do in China ?
DAD - Don't go comparing China to Iraq . China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops and help make US corporations richer.

KID - So if a country lets its people are exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
DAD - Right.

KID - Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
DAD - For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

KID - Isn't that exactly what happens in China ?
DAD - I told you, China is different.

KID - What's the difference between China and Iraq ?
DAD - Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.

KID - Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
DAD - No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

KID - How are the Cuban Communists bad?
DAD - Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.

KID - Like in Iraq ?
DAD - Exactly.

KID - And like in China , too?
DAD - I told you, China 's a good economic competitor. Cuba , on the other hand, is not.

KID - How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
DAD - Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, the US government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.

KID - But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba , and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
DAD - Don't be smart.

KID - I didn't think I was being one.
DAD - Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

KID - Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
DAD - I told you, stop saying bad things about China . Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.

KID - What's a military coup?
A That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.

KID - Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
DAD - You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.

KID - Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
DAD - I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

KID - Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
DAD - Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan .

KID - Why did we invade Afghanistan ?
DAD - Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

KID - What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
DAD - Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of them Saudi Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.

KID - So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
DAD - Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.

KID - Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?
DAD - Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

KID - Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
DAD - Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.

KID - Fighting drugs?
DAD - Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.

KID - How did they do such a good job?
DAD - Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.

KID - So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?
DAD - Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.

KID - Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia ?
DAD - That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.

KID - Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
DAD - No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

KID - What's the difference?
DAD - The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.

KID - It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
DAD - Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.

KID - But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia .
DAD - Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

KID - Who trained them?
DAD - A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

KID - Was he from Afghanistan ?
DAD - Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.

KID - I seem to recall he was our friend once.
DAD - Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

KID - Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
DAD - There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.

KID - So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?
DAD - Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq , so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.

KID - So the French and Germans are evil, too?
DAD - Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

KID - Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
DAD - No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

KID - But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
DAD - Well, yeah. For a while.

KID - Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
DAD - Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran , which made him our friend, temporarily.

KID - Why did that make him our friend?
DAD - Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

KID - Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
DAD - Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

KID - So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
DAD - Most of the time, yes.

KID - And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
DAD - Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.

KID - Why?
DAD - Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?

KID - I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
DAD - Yes.

KID - But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq ?
DAD - Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.

KID - So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
DAD - Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

Good night, dad....!

Stinking Drunk

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.! A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed".

This is what marriage is really all about

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

(This is great)
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
***********
************
"THE TEETH."

Cruise Magician

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to figure out how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then, during a fierce storm, the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

Kids say the darndest things! - 08

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply: "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The
Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,

"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied: "I thought I was, but
mother says I'm not."

Hell Explained by chemistry student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell

breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Bubba

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait." "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the
men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Obituary - Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.

Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing

Afternoon Quickie

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later,

"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later,

"Looks like the Sanders are moving"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments,

"The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!

Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."