Flu shot

Lena, the church organist at Coon Ridge Lutheran Church, was in her 80's and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. The Pastor came to call on Lena, one afternoon early in the spring, & she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a "condom."

Imagine his shock & surprise. Imagine his curiosity!! Surely Miss Lena had flipped or something...!! When she returned with tea & cookies, they began to chat. The Pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water & its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, & he could resist no longer. "Miss Lena, he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this? (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," Lena replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know.. I haven't had a cold or flu all winter."

For those of you who couldn't get a flu shot this year, you might want to give this a try!!

Answering Machine Answers

These are [said to be] actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers!

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here, so leave a message.

3. Speak.

4. Hi, Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

7. (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy message," I call you sooner!

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it is safe to leave us a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Yodeling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night! The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out..... Are you ready for this? Are you sure? Here goes, "LaidTheOLadeeToo"

New Computer viruses

• The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
• The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
• The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent hard drive with NO memory.
• The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting.
• The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
• The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
• The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
• The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
• The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.
• The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
• The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
• The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.
• The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

Cowboy @ Gay Bar

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One" Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!

Call Off

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that She is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Official Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

0 to 200 in 2 Seconds Flat!

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

Smart Dog

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Blonde Parking During the Winter

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"