Leprechaun

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a wee Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer poured a bit of Irish whiskey over the little guy to revive him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.

"But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want - a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year went by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer was back on the same hole. He again hit a bad drive into woods and the Leprechaun was there waiting for him.

"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now."

He! adds, " By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf." If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away embarrassed, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did good job. How many times a day? "

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock.

"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish"

3 Shorts

Q. How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
A. It ain't hard...

Q. Why did the gay criminal keep going to prison?
A. He loved it in the can.

Q. How do you make a Canadian?
A. Hit an Englishman in the head with a brick.

Why not?

Hank and Bill are sitting on the porch, watching a dog lick his balls. "Boy, I wish I could do that," Hank Says

Bill thinks for a minute and replies, "Well. go ahead. It's your dog."

Story - Romance gets washed away.

Having totally forgotten our one-year anniversary, I wanted to make it up to my for our second. I suggested we drive to the coast and relax on the beach under the moonlight. I even brought some decent wine to boost the romantic mood. We parked on the sand, and she was mesmerized by the lapping waves and glowing moon. My efforts were paying off, and after my girlfriend showed her appreciation, we passed out in the back seat. We awoke the next morning to shouting, so I opened the door and stepped out to see what was going on. Water immediately poured inside soaking the floor. The tide was in, the starter had short-circuited, and had drawn a raucous of laughing voyeurs.

JK, Orlando, FL

Don't eat that...

While driving home, a millionaire sees a homeless man eating grass along a dirty stretch of highway. He pulls over and goes up to the man. "Don't eat that," he says to the vagrant. It's full of road dirt. If you're hungry, come home with me."

Full of fratitude, the homeless man says, "Thanks, but I have a wife too."

"No problem,"the millionaire says, "bring her along."

"I also have five children, a grandchild and many cousins," the homeless man continues.

"Now Wait a damn minute," the millionaire says. "Just how big do you think my lawn is?"

Atheist

A young lady comes home from a date rather sad. She tells her mother, "He proposed to me an hour ago."

"So why are you upset?" Her mother asks.

"Because he also told me he's an atheist. He doesn't even believe there's a hell!"

Her mother replies, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Great Hair!

A man walks up to a woman in his office and says her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes to her supervisor and tells him she wants to file a sexual-harassment suit.

Puzzled, the supervisor asks, "What's wrong with your co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

Barbecue!

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

Annoying

• Cellophane on new CD boxes that is impossible to open unless you have scalpels for fingers.
• Waiting to exit an airplane.
• People who hold the door for you when you are too far away from them, making you move faster than normal in order to reach it - and you still have to force out a smile and say, "Thanks."
• Subscription cards and all the other crap that falls out of magazines.
• People who take the elevator to the second floor.
• Screwups in drive-though orders.
• People who don't say, "thanks" when you hold the door for them.
• Euphemisms for curse words (such as, "You a-hole" and "Fudge!")
• People who go back to complain about screwups in drive-through orders.
• The phrase "Don't go there."
• Painting over the "To" and the "ta" on your Toyota pickup truck.
• The Penny