What'd you get?

It's the day after christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they got. The first kid says, "What'd you get?"

The second kid replies, "Man, I made out! I got Pokemon stuff, Nintendo, a Stereo, a bike and whole lot more! What'd you get?"

"Oh, I just got a baseball glove and a bat," Says the first kid.

"Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid.

"Yeah, well, I'm not dying of Cancer."

Shit, I missed

A Catholic priest and a nun were
taking a rare afternoon off and
enjoying a round of golf. The priest
stepped up to the first tee and took a
mighty swing. He missed the ball
entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch
his language.

On his next swing, he missed again.
"Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with
you if you keep swearing," the
nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better
and the round continued. On the
4th tee, he misses again. The usual
comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says,
"Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing
like that."

On the next tee, Father John
swings and misses again. "Shit, I
missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a
gigantic bolt of lightning comes out
of the sky and strikes Sister Marie
dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"Shit, I missed."

Guys' Rules for Girls

Please note...
these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know
men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.