Don't want to work...Call off

12 Valid reasons not to come in to work

1. I can'd come in to work today, because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up to work.
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin ro drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that daedline to meet....
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.
8. Yes , I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may contain flase information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

Gas Prices

I saw this posted on some site months ago, when gas prices first started to go up. I can't remeber in what site I found this, so I can't credit it.

Back when I first saw this, gas prices weren't this high. So much for that!!!

Used Bird

A woman Goes to her local pet shop in search of a pet. There she finds a brightly plumed parrot. "How much for the bird?" She asks.
"Oh, you don't want that bird," replies the storekeeper. "he used to live in a whorehouse, so he's got a dirty mouth."
"But he's so pretty," She gushes.
"I'll tell you what. Take it home, try him out. If it doesn't work, bring him back"
When it arrives at its new home, the bird look around and squawks, "New house, new madam." The woman is disturbed, but ignores it. Hours later, her daughters come home from school. Again the bird looks around and screeches, "New house, new madam, New hooker." The woman is bothered, but ignores it--after all, the bird hasn't actually cursed. A few hours later, her husband comes home from work. Again, after looking around, the bird squawks, "New house, new madam, new hookers. Hi George."

Texan in Irish pub

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and says, "I'll give $500 to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in a row." No one takes him up on his offer; one man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the guyswho'd left returns.
"Is your bet still good?" He asks. The Texan says yes, the bartender lines up 10 pints and the irishman drinks them all.
The Texan pays up and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh, i went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."